Today I have learned a new lesson, not new in the sense that I never knew about it before but in the sense that it came to me in a crystal clear form, almost in a poetic way.
I always believed that nothing is hard to understand, nothing is impossible within our limits. For each problem there is one or more feasible solution, once this problem has been defined clearly and tackled.
This evening, I got into a conversation where I got the feeling that I have done something I shouldn't have. I had good intention but what I expressed probability has been misunderstood. Or perhaps was understood correctly but weren't the appropriate thing to do or say. In either cases, the over all result wasn't what I was hoping nor aiming for.
What is it that in some case I can be really good at expressing things but when it comes to other things I go into destruction mode. I don't know how to express what happened today. I am used to the idea that the more I work on something, the easier it becomes, that being an assignment at school or a task at work. But today, it felt the more I tried to express what I want to the say, the worse it became.
So, I went into an over-thinking mode. Trying to understand why is this the case. How did I manage to screw up like this. Then I found that I tend to screw up when I care, when I am scarred to mess things up. Maybe I try so hard not to screw up that I end doing exactly that.
Then I went again, thinking: why that? why do I keep doing that? and this 'why'! The question that never leaves me alone. This curse that hover over my head, stealth to other but like a light house attracting and pulling me towards it.
And that is not the worst part, yes, it gets worse. Now I am left with this unease feeling. Feeling I have done something wrong that I should apologize for. I might have hurt someone. Someone that I truly like. How can I present an apology for something I don't fully understand. It wouldn't be sincere in this case, it would be a fake apology that satisfies nothing but my own ego. At the same time, I can't leave things in this state with its loose ends and awkwardness.
My biggest problem right now is I am incapable of understanding the problem I created. My biggest problem is finding this problem. My biggest problem is what I am trying to reach is in fact hidden behind this problem. The problem has became the beast I need to defeat in order to free the Princess at the top of the Castle. The more I try to tackle this problem, the more problems I cause. How am I suppose to solve this.
Then it hit me, this post is precisely what I have been doing wrong. I was 'thinking' ...
Somethings are understood and others are felt. These two should not be interchanged. Because by doing that, we would be destroying the essence of the experience we should be enjoying.
The amazigness of magic would be taken away by knowing the secret of its trick. The trick should always be a secret in order to enjoy Magic ...
This might be intuitive to some of you and I envy you for that as I am struggling to understand what you have been enjoying all along. One day I will look back at this and laugh. Laugh at how simple this was but yet how complex I made it to be ...
related article: INTP, the Thinker